Off the Blog: “I just want to scribble some words, okurrrrr!”

The point of “Off the Blog” is really for me to just jot down my thoughts or rant without having to use my alias. Don’t get me wrong, I could totally transform this into a state of “being” but this is more for myself and you as a continued supporter to read. Chances are you might get lost reading this post. That’s the point. I’m off the blog… this is merely scribbling words and going circles because thoughts and ideas are important and they deserve to be heard even if they don’t make sense.

So if you’re reading this blog post, welcome back. I am not marketing this in any way which means you came here on your own to read my thought and feelings. You are more than welcome to market this out there for people to read but I will not put this out there on my own behalf. This is meant to be a real connection between you and I right now. Take it as “I’m not informing you with a theme, but I merely having a conversation with you.”

So here we go… I have nights where before going to bed, I have a conversations with God and all and any deities listening about happiness. Not so much my happiness but wanting others to be happy. I tell myself, I want everyone in my life to be happy even if they are and aren’t deserving of it. I would never want anyone to be deprived of happiness.

Last night, I went to bed thinking I want everyone to feel loved. I want to be loved so I want everyone else to be loved as well.

And love and happiness can correlate in both positive and negative ways. Some say you can have love and not have happiness and you can have happiness and not have love. And of course, you’re lucky you can find both in one, right?

I personally believe that happiness is something that gradually and continously changes over time. You’re constantly in state of determining what is going to bring happiness in your life. It can be frustrating at time because ultimately you’re either going to be able to figure it out or you’re going to feel lost. And guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that. It happens to everyone.

So when I’m praying for happiness for everyone in my life, I’m merely asking for all those who feel lost and frustrated that they can’t get it together. Or can’t figure out what is going to make them happy or have it figured out but don’t know what to do now: happiness.

Being loved is powerful. People use the term “love” so loosely. Some abuse the word. People say they love you but they really don’t or they say they love you so they can get something from you. It’s very unfortunate.

I think in more recent years it was harder for me to accept anyone just telling me they love me. Of course, it comes from many years of feeling abandoned, unloved, gipped, etc. I watched my father stay in a relationship with my mother even though he no longer loved her like he used to. I had family tell me that they love me but shit talking said the opposite. And even having to deal with it directly… well everyone and their mother knows about my past relationship so I’m not even going to get into it. You guys get it. Years and years of this impacted my vision for love.

So when I say I want everyone to be loved, I mean I want them to have a love that I once didn’t have. Whether it’s by a family member or a significant other; love comes in many ways. Some may say this type of love I speak of comes from being completely damaged and I say a big “fuck you” if think so. Yes, I have been through it – I had to have been through it to be as strong as I am today so fuck you.

We have the ability to shape our vision of love and again it will always alter over time. It will always depend on the person and the situation. Not all is the same love.

And when I laid my head down last night and I have my baby in my arms and his head is rested on me, I couldn’t help but shed tears because all I want is for him to be happy, doing the things he wants to do, and of course to feel so loved. Endless amount of love. Love like he has never been loved before; the best intimacy from the heart love.

My heart is so big and so full as many people would say. If my life came to an end tomorrow, I would’ve died knowing I only wanted good for the people in my life. And that’s enough for me; at least at this age.

Anyways, thanks for coming here and reading into my vulnerabilities. Sometimes I just need to scribble. And scribbling can be fun.

Until the next post comes out, it’s been real! Jen and her feels are out! BYEEEEEEEEE!

Relatable + Empathetic (2019)

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