Good Morning Readers! Happy Friday! TGIF!
As you may or may not have noticed I have somewhat been M.I.A. for the last week. I was dealing with my own feelings and mishaps but all is good now.
Today, I wanted to touch on the topic of anxiety. I don’t talk about this very often and I just want to run through this with you so you could understand where I’ve been coming from.
The start of my anxiety began when I was 18 years old. I had every reason to believe that the onset began when I was teenager and then amplified as soon as I entered college.
I can vividly remember my first anxiety attack. I remember being in my parents room and I was breathing heavily. No one was home. I felt like I couldn’t gain any oxygen and I kept trying to intake air. I had a tingling sensation in my hands and feet and I felt really faint/dizzy. I called my Dad and I was describing what was happening and he ran home quickly.
He took me to the emergency room and as I was describing my situation to the doctor, he said “it sounds like you’re having an anxiety attack.” I didn’t know what that was.
Eventually I was taken back and they ran various tests and all signs were okay. The doctor explained to me what anxiety is and prescribed me medication for when such incidents happen.
There were so many factors that played in my anxiety at the time. I was stressed out from school being that it was the end of my first year of college and I had finals coming up. I hinted that my ex at the time was cheating or being unfaithful, claimed that he wasn’t but sure enough he was. My mother had lost her job and my father was angry and my parents were constantly fighting. Everything felt like it was a mess.
Consequently, I turned to those pills on a daily and I felt like I ruined myself. Every time I see a picture from that moment in time, I always say “I hate that Jennifer. She’s gross. She lost so much weight and she was always high.” No one really knew.
It took year after year after year to cope with my anxiety. Learning how to not live in fear of being betrayed and/or not being able to trust anyone who came close to me in my life. Constantly worrying about “what may happen” as opposed to just living in the present.
Today, I continue learning to be more open about my anxiety. Letting the people in my life know how when I feel anxious and trying my best to communicate it. I’m not perfect. I have moments where I feel loneliness, feel like it’s hard to breathe, and no one really understands. I fear at times that I will be judge by my anxiety; called a crazy person.
What a lot of people don’t understand is that people who live with anxiety/panic disorders, depression, manic behavior don’t talk about it because we fear judgment. I don’t want someone calling me crazy or psycho because of certain things that trigger my thoughts and feelings. The ones who are very much aware of their constant battle also don’t want to burden their loved ones with their issues.
I had a couple of mishaps this weeks: feeling anxious, triggered, confused, worried, etc. Until I got tired and exhausted… with living with those feelings. I’m constantly coping but even more-so now. And because I’m so tired of dealing with it, I refuse to let it consume me. I need peace to my mind and my heart.
Sometimes you just have to let things happen the way they should happen. Sometimes you need to speak up a little so someone can hear that you need the love and support. Sometimes you need to stop letting the anxiousness consume your mindset.
It’s hard to even write about something like this. All of you know by now I’ve been a positive go-getter but it has taken a lot of time to get to this point. I had to fight my own demons to get here. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t go to dark place once upon time.
I try my best every single damn day to radiate positivity not only for myself but for everyone in my life. Mental struggle is difficult.
If you are going through it or know someone who is going through, I encourage you to talk. It may not be easy but it helps. Anxiety comes and goes. I always remind myself that it is only temporary.
If you’re reading this and you judge me, you’re no fucking better than the next person who is ignorant and unkind. Sorry… I have to assert that – I don’t judge people off their mental health. You don’t know what these people have to battle with. You don’t know what they’ve gone through and what causes their triggers.
And for those who are understanding, thank you for taking the time to read through and not judge me. You don’t know how difficult it is to share this part of my experience.
Needless to say, I am well now. “Everything is going to be alright.”
With that being said, I hope all of you have a wonderful weekend. Thank you again for reading my post today.
With love and support,