127 days.

dear readers,

it’s been a long time coming. i haven’t blogged as much as i would have liked to this year. 2020 took a toll on me – on all of us.

we are only a couple days away from the new year. i have been kept to myself for the last several months. it’s been tough.

as we approach the new year, i want to let a lot of things go: feelings i have harbored for these last several months. i am today, willing and able to finally share my struggles.

if you did not know or may have hinted, i was laid off in august. i have been unemployed for several months and it was quite the struggle to bounce back. still a struggle.

initially when i was laid off, i didn’t know how to feel. i have never been unemployed for this long. when i got the call, i felt the need to jump on finding another job immediately. i didn’t allow myself to just “feel.”

i had to take a step back and allow myself to mourn my job loss. the best way i could describe it was: going through a really bad break up but nothing was wrong. i didn’t do anything wrong. they didn’t do anything wrong. it just wasn’t meant to be at this time.

i could recall days at the beginning where i would stare off into space and just start crying. i didn’t know what i was gonna do. i didn’t know if i was gonna be able to financially support myself. i didn’t know if i was gonna be able to find a job.

i was so understanding to the circumstances. we’re in a pandemic. people are sick. businesses are going down. people are laid off. some have lost their homes.

it was the first time in a long time where i had to ask for help. i have a lot of pride as many of us do. i have been independent for so long that asking for help didn’t seem like much of an option. but i did ask.

tony has helped me the most: financially and emotionally. he may not think he has helped me a lot but he has.

eventually i was able to carry myself back up and begin looking for jobs. i have been through a ton of interviews: phone interviews, in person interviews, video interviews, interviews that go 5-6 rounds just to get a rejection.

all of it has made me very vulnerable. it made me look at my situation and other people differently.

job security is absolutely important to me. i don’t like to depend on unemployment benefits. but when i needed it the most, i was getting the bare minimum. asking myself, how did people live on this? especially in the state of CA. i have been working for years, paying my taxes and when i finally needed help, i get the bare.

and those who got enjoy the extra benefits were so fortunate. i didn’t get that luxury. i get to struggle a little bit more each day and wonder when my next income would be. i had to pull from savings to stay afloat. which is normal but i shouldn’t have to.

i had days of just crying and being upset, angry and looking for someone to blame. but i’m not like that. it goes to show when you’re under a lot of stress and your back is against the wall, you begin to think irrationally.

i didn’t want know what i wanted to do anymore. i hold two degrees, 10 years of working experience and i stay grinding but i felt like it wasn’t enough to get me through a company that i would like to stay with or have been given an opportunity to.

people don’t know.

but despite how negative it’s been these last several months, i have had wins here and there that make me believe things will get better soon. i’m still doing something right.

my relationship with tony has always been strong but my situation alone made it even stronger. the friendships that i have: i’m so thankful for the friends who had been reaching out every week just to see how i am. it just took a simple “how are you doing today?” that mattered so much to me. the “just stopping by” or “taking me out” made me feel like i wasn’t alone. you guys are just amazing people.

i was able to sustain myself for as long as i could. i was still able to pay my bills and stay afloat. that’s impressive for me. i was also able to continue raising my credit score. that’s a big win for someone who does’t even have income. i had love and support and that’s all i could’ve asked for.

i have been unemployed for 127 days. that’s four months and four days total. for the last few weeks of 2020, i have been keeping up to date with where our stimulus package is.

do you know how frustrating it is to watch your livelihood be played as a part of politics? people are fucking dying. people have lost their fucking jobs. people have lost their homes and are trying to find ways to take care of their families and you want sit there in office not doing a damn thing?

none of this should shake anybody at this point. it’s insulting enough to be receiving only $600 in this next coming stimulus.

when i woke up this morning, i texted my friends asking if they have received a stimulus? mainly no’s. neither have i. and you know what? i’m just waiting for the $600 just so it could help me pay rent and get groceries for next week. how fucking sad is that? that’s all i want it for.

as i enter this next year, i can only hope and pray for prosperity. not just for myself but for everyone.

i hope to get a job offer soon, continue to find ways to keep myself afloat and take in the support i get. i never take for granted the things i have or the people in my life. neither should you. no matter what your circumstances are.

remember to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. remember that what you have, others don’t or have already lost. 2020 was bullshit but we all learned. some are still learning.

i hope reading this post helps you understand where i have been and how hard it really has been for me. i don’t want sympathy though. i just want you to take your phone out, text your loved ones and tell them how much you love and appreciate them. i know that’s what i’m gonna do.

i’m gonna ride into 2021 with positive energy despite how frustrating the situation has been.

i hope you have an amazing new year’s. be safe. stay humble. be grateful.



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